Fistful Of Sand

Ahh... yeah. So today I stayed home from school. Wasn't feeling very good for some reason. Slept, ate, and watched Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children. (Chances are that'll be removed thanks to the "The Great Anime Purge" )

Feeling frustrated lately. Dunno. Life's dumb. Hah... No, really, it is.

I'm constantly fighting apathy. It's quite ridiculous. On the inside I'm by no means apathetic. On the outside, however... Well, indeed, I'm pretty inert.

Guess if I had a "New Years resolution" it'd be to kill my apathy.--Mentally, politically, spiritually, and yes, even physically.

I suppose why I won't kill my apathy is because once I do, what could/would/should I possibly do with my "new found" enthusiasm? I've been thinking a lot lately about what I'm going to do when I get out of high school. How I'm going to survive (I'm by no means living with or taking any support from my parents. I refuse to be indentured to them. There already seems to be no amount of "money" that I could ever "pay back" what I "owe" to my Mom as it is now.)

Again, what I will be doing, and what I want to do.--I have no idea what any of those will be. That's a very uneasy thought for me. On the inside I want to change the freaking world. On the outside I just want to get my own little place and make sure I have some food and a video game to play every night. Which one of those will be my fate? Is "fate" even real?-- Or do I truly control the outcome of my life? Is my life set in stone and I don't even know it? Does God already know what will become of me and my life?--What path I'll take.

I'm nearly seventeen. And in in a little over a year I'll be out of high school (if Coach Rosell will flipping pass me in P.E. that is).

No, seriously, I'm about to freaking have an ulcer. What the heck is gonna happen to me? Will I be some loser begging for rent money on the sidewalk, clinging to his ramblings about Anarchy? Or some desperate half-out-of his mind guy thrown in jail for alleged sedition? Or could I make it in the arts like I want? Maybe none of it matters, because I believe Jesus could very well be back within the next few years.--But I could be wrong about that.

See! I'm not so apathetic on the inside. Oh... blah. Not worth it.

And worst of all, my own demise will probably be my own fault. Probably due to my own ignorance.--My own drive for absolute independence, liberty, and freedom from all of society's fetters. Sure, there's no freaking way I could stay with my Mom... There's just no way. We're complete opposites. And when I'm eighteen, I'm out of her 'jurisdiction' (she's already obviously upset that I'm out of her influence), and probably won't like some (actually, quite a few of) the choices I'll make. But my Dad, I could totally stay with him. He keeps saying "Now, don't worry about things so much! Just come stay at my house when you get out of high school. Go to NKU or Morehead or something. We've had that room upstairs there for you since.. well... you started coming here regularly. Really, it's no big deal."

But will I live with my Dad? No, I won't. I've got to NOT go to college, drop away from mainstream society, cut tons of people off in my life, throw my health to the wind, walk everywhere, and surrender my most likely pathetic financial situation to the tax and rent collectors.

Why do that you ask? Because I'd rather live like that than share the fate of becoming a fake and phoney yuppie like everyone else in this country.--In my family.

Apathy.. heh. What a crazy, dominating emotion you are.

Guess it's just my apathetic way to be, eh? (That's one of the best AMVs I've EVER seen, by the way.)

Peace.

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